the "what if" project
Over the last few months, I have been surreptitiously attempting a new project, which I have named the "what if" project. To be honest, I am somewhat reinventing the wheel here, it's not a new concept (for the plot is another well known term, or trying to get 1000 rejections is another common iteration), but I wanted to personalise it at least slightly, because I knew that I would be more motivated to participate in it. I started this project with the aim of understanding why I was so sure of rejection whenever I tried?
I know this is slightly cliche, but this attitude, mindset, project (whatever you want to call it) has legitimately changed my life.
As part of my project, I decided to record myself talking about my progress in my project, my thoughts, goals, and feelings every week, and to take advantage of as many opportunities that came my way as possible, even if they were scary, hard, or time-consuming even in my exam-filled weeks. Albeit, I have not recorded myself every single week, however the process has genuinely helped me express my thoughts better orally, particularly my feelings, and truly helped to relieve a large amount of stress I had about these opportunities that were entirely optional.
In terms of what I actually got out of it, I completed an exam that now enables me to apply for a competitive course in my country. It may not have been the highest score (nor as high as I was hoping for), but it allows me to apply for this program, which was another goal on my list. I'm more proud of myself for trying, because for a long time I dismissed the opportunity because I thought I would never be able to get into it. Now I have the chance to apply, and you know what, I may as well, because, what if?!
And then, in perhaps the biggest surprise of all, I won a national philosophy competition! (My formal writing is considerably better imo than this messy blog.) Can you believe that? Again, I was doubting whether I would even apply, and I regretted sending in my entry for a long time before I heard the news, frankly, and even then I doubted myself. I thought that I must have been the only person to apply, or that it was some kind of ridiculous mistake, which seems so unbelievably silly now. Winning this competition was such an earnest surprise, but it is so incredibly meaningful to me. It allowed me to prove to myself that my writing, my philosophy, my ideas were worthy, beyond the echo chamber of school and my kind teachers. I still have to stifle a grin, weeks later, writing about it, because of how much it meant to me.
So, I guess, what this whole experience has taught me is how important it is to just try. I know that once again sounds cliche, but it's so freeing to just try, and not be completely hung up over the result. Results and outcomes are so depressingly important in our society, that doing something for the fun of it is so under appreciated, yet I believe it is fundamentally crucial to existence. To do things just because. (And I don't mean buying yourself little presents, though they are just as worthy). I feel so much freer now, even though only half of my goals in this project have gone my way, because I finally have the confidence to just try. I finally feel like I have rediscovered some joy in assessment once again, because for once the assessment does not tie back to my grades and therefore my ability to get into the uni course I'm desperate to. I just want to try so many things! I want to apply for dozens of competitions, scholarships, interviews, anything, because I feel like I can do it, and I can succeed or fail, and it's amazing because I tried.
To tie this back to philosophy in some way, I must turn to Kierkegaard, whose 'leap of faith' concept somewhat fits in here. From my admittedly limited understanding, Kierkegaard argues, in the context of faith, that there are some things for which we can never have complete certainty through only reason; eventually we must commit, and take the leap, despite the uncertainty. While I do not want to suggest that my increasingly enthusiastic and sporadic application and competitive habits are comparable to the Kierkegaardian religious commitment, I think there is something that links these two ideas. I can never know whether I will win a competition, get into a program, receive a scholarship, or even enjoy something before I try. I can agonise over the probability of success, convince myself that I'm embarrassing myself, and wait for some kind of sign of certainty that the opportunity is worth it, or, I can take the leap. I can try and see what happens.
I think that is the fundamental thing my "what if" project has taught me: certainty is not a prerequisite for action (at least of this kind). I don't have to know that something will work before I try it. In fact, I think that it is much better to not know. With cases where action is not life-or-death (I am certainly not telling you to apply this attitude to truly life-altering and potentially endangering decisions) at least. I've spent too long fretting: what if I fail? Well, then I will have tried. What if I embarrass myself? What if I am rejected? What if I am not good enough?
But there is a possibility that is just as fundamentally real and possible as the questions above: "what if I am?"
thank you for reading!
signed in invisible ink, luminula xxx
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